The Secret Deathly Hallows
by DeliciousNewYork
Summary: This story contains all the action packed twist and turns of the seventh book but with my spin. Different pairings, different horcruxes, and different ending!
1. The Dark Lord Ascending

Author's Note - I'm feeling ambitious. I'm going to write my own version of Deathly Hallows chapter by chapter. I can't do this on ambition alone, though. PLEASE REVIEW! Also, I don't own any of this.

The two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane. One carried two six-packs of Butter Beer and the other had only his wand and a sneer. They recognized each other and started to walk in the same direction.

"News?" asked the one with the Butter Beer.

"The best," replied Severus Snape, "I totally got a stripper for the party tonight."

Yaxley showed approval of Snape's plan with several loud yells of delight and a few air-humps. "The Dark Lord's gonna love it!"

They quickly came upon their destination and a gleaming white manor seemed to sparkle in the dark blanket of night. The two men stepped carefully as to not bother the white peacocks wearing diamond tiaras that patrolled the property majestically. "Lucius just keeps getting gayer and gayer," muttered Yaxley.

Snape did not verbally elaborate but shivered in agreement at the horrifying memory of a drunken Lucius Malfoy pulling him into a dark corner and trying to play find the wand at Voldemort's annual Kwazy Kwanza Jamboree.

The door opened at their arrival and they entered a grand hallway that seemingly stretched on forever. Distant music could be heard.

"Dirty babe  
You see these shackles  
Baby I'm your slave  
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave  
It's just that no one makes me feel this way"

Lord Voldemort was a cruel being capable of the most heinous acts ever committed, yet not even the Dark Lord could resist the smooth seduction of the off-the-chain jams of Justin Timberlake.

They headed towards the music and went through another set of doors, only this time their eyes were met with a sea of dancing Death Eaters and Fenir Greyback laying down some hot tracks at a turntable.

Yaxley immediately joined the gyrating and left his Butter Beers on a table holding several partially eaten pizzas. Snape was left standing along the wall. It was like his sixth year all over again.

"YO, SNAPE!"

Snape's head quickly turned in to the direction from whence the boisterous greeting came. It was Voldemort and he had apparently had a few shots of Firewhiskey. Snape mentally prepared himself as Voldemort tried to pry a very determined Bellatrix off of his leg.

Having finally freed himself, Voldemort made his way over to his new number two.

"Woo! I could not get her OFF me, man! Bros before ho's, right Snape?"

Snape was not sure of the meaning of this phrase so he figured concurring would be the best course of action.

"Yes, I would take a bro before a ho any day."

Voldemort gave a shout of approval much like Yaxley's and punched Snape on the shoulder.

"Ah, you kill me man, you kill me!" the Dark Lord gasped between large bouts of alcohol induced laughter.

To stay on Voldemort's good side, Snape attempted a gesture of merriment to match Voldemort's good mood. He decided on a smile but as it was a facial movement he so rarely employed, he ended up looking like he had suffered a stroke.

It was good enough for a buzzed Voldemort.

"So, the D-bag is dead, right?"

Snape looked utterly perplexed.

"Excuse me?"

"The D-bag! Dumbledore! Or should I say Dumble-no-more because he's Dumbledead!"

Voldemort found his own assessment of the situation quite hilarious, as his own knee was slapped many times.

"Ah, yes, Dumbledore is dead, my lord."

Voldemort grew appreciative in the way that only large amounts of booze can make a man. He drew Snape into a large bear hug and proceeded to thank him.

"Thanks man, and I mean it. Now we can kill that stupid scar kid and….just, wow. I know I whip you and shit but I really mean this when I say….I love you, man."

Snape cautiously pulled himself out of the hug and stepped back.

"That's quite alright. I was only doing my…"

"No man! NO! I love you for this! You're my dog! You're like, Snape the great….or Snape the Grape. You're the man, Snape! Snapey Snape…."

Snape tried to stop the train of nicknames but to no avail.

"This is really unnecessary, my lord…."

"Snapey Snap Snape. Oh! There is that muggle drink Snapple! You could be like Snape-le! Snappity Snape-le snape. Oh! Snaps for all those buttons you wear! How do you get all those buttoned in the morning?"

At this moment Voldemort lunged forward to investigate Snape's many buttons, but luckily the door bell sounded and drew Voldemort's attention away from undressing Snape.

Yaxley had taken the liberty of escorting the evening's entertainment into the party room.

A petite witch wearing Auror robes and little else stood in the doorway.

"My name is Auror Alice, and I heard that there are some naughty wizards here!"

The many Wizards in the room roared in agreement as the young witch made her way to the middle of the room.

All attention was on her as she pulled out a chair and took out her wand.

"Now I need to take care of the naughtiest wizard first! Who is the naughtiest wizard here?"

A very inebriated Voldemort made his way to the chair while shouting.

"I AM THE WICKEDEST WIZARD HERE! WOOOOOO!"

The stripper forced a smile and pointed to the chair.

"Well then, have a seat. I think I need to interrogate you! Just how naughty are you? Do you need to be punished?"

Voldemort plunked down onto the chair and slurred out a response.

"I am the naugt- I'm the naughtingest of the wizards here! Yesterday I grabbed this kitten and I TOTALLY made it eat another kitten and then I ate it! WOOOOOO!"

Having expected a simple 'yes' the stripper was a bit taken back but proceeded to do her dance. With a flick of her wand the music started.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?  
Don't cha"

As Voldemort received his lap dance, Bellatrix grew green with envy. Just as Auror Alice's skimpy top was thrown carelessly to the side (and quickly picked up and sniffed by Peter Pettigrew) Bellatrix pushed Alice out of the way.

"STOP THIS AT ONCE! You don't deserve him you filthy whore!"

Snape rolled his eyes, as he had anticipated something like this would happen.

"This is not the proper way to praises the Dark Lord!" she continued.

"He deserves more than jiggling and bouncing! Let me read you one of my poems, my lord!"

Snape, along with the rest of the party, groaned. Bellatrix's poems were often long and filled with black roses and burning love.

"This one is titled, 'My Long and Burning Love'"

Bellatrix tried to go on but was interrupted by the stripper.

"Oh yeah, honey. You REALLY know how to snare a man. Guys totally don't want hot naked dancers but want long hours of shitty poetry jams."

The stripper started to laugh not knowing that she had sealed her fate.

"Oh….so you don't like that poem? Well maybe I can come up with something you _will _like."

Bellatrix started circling her as though she was prey.

"You're a slut and every man's had ya

They don't even ask if they want to grab ya

You're an unworthy whore

But you'll be no more…"

She readied her wand and the last line of her poem was accompanied by a bright green light.

"Goodbye. AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Every wizard groaned at the sight of the dead stripper. What had once been a promising celebration party was now going to be a long and boring night.


	2. In Memoriam

Harry was bleeding.

'Merlin's colon! I got my period!' he thought.

He panicked at the idea of his changing body when he remembered that he wasn't a pubescent girl and the bleeding was in fact coming from his finger.

Harry had just crawled out of bed and set his precious piece of mirror on his dresser. It was warm from being cradled in his hand all night – a habit that had his hands covered in many band-aids.

Whenever he looked at the mirror an eye appeared. The odd thing was he could not decipher the owner of the eye, yet it looked hauntingly familiar.

Another mystery for another day.

Right now, Harry was determined to clean out his trunk that remained untouched from when he left school.

He knelt down and opened it, creating a cloud of dust that sent Harry into a fit of coughing.

His eyes were met with a Hogwarts school uniform. He lovingly pulled the sweater from its resting place and smelled it. He smelled it some more. He sniffed for a good ten minutes. He had stolen it from Hermione. It wasn't that it smelled like Hermione, it smelled like a girl. A girl he fancied himself being.

He quickly removed his own t-shirt and replaced it with the feminine cut sweater. He caressed his chest where his imaginary breasts were.

Next he pulled out the pleated skirt that belonged to Lavender Brown.

'She's a total slut' he thought to himself, ' I bet she's glad to have a reason to go without bottoms.'

He shimmied the skirt up and walked over to his full length mirror. He practiced sticking out his bum and walking with a comely sway.

"What's my name you ask?" questioned Harry in a high pitched voice to an imagined person in the mirror.

"Sorcerina. Sorcerina Chantal"

He then practiced his feminine giggle in response to a joke that was only heard in Harry's mind.

Harry was just about to slip on the panties he had nicked from Cho, when Hedwig flew in with the Daily Prophet.

Hedwig wasn't phased by this scene in the slightest. She'd been witness to much worse. There was the time she discovered Harry wearing nothing but a sheer negligee and parading around the room with a scepter.

She had also delivered countless makeup kits that Harry had sent away for.

Even though Hedwig was very used to Harry's secret desires, he still blushed at having been caught off-guard.

"Hi Hedwig," Harry mumbled, his cheeks furiously red.

Hedwig simply laid the paper at his feet and returned to the solace of her cage. It had been a long night and she needed her rest.

Harry set Cho's panties down and scooped up the paper. Only this could tear him away from a romp as Sorcerina. There was going to be something about Dumbledore in this issue.

**Dumbledore Remembered**

Minerva McGonagall

_I first met Albus Dumbledore when I was a prostitute down at The Itchy Witch's Twat. He was my favorite customer and I like to think I was his favorite itchy witch. He said I had enough cushion for the pushin' .I'll never forget the first time I saw him. He came in and there was a twinkle in his eye and a tent in his trousers. I know I'm probably romanticizing this, but I could have sworn it was pointing right at me. 'I'll take that ho' for sho' he bellowed out in that jovial voice of his. I had a feeling that this was the beginning of a very special relationship. And it was. He was definitely the most imaginative of my clients. He liked to pretend that I was a hippogriff and he was a lonely stable boy. We would spend hours playing that little game. He also liked to spread honey mustard all over my back and clean it off with his beard. After several years we had gotten into a certain routine. He would walk into the brothel, I would announce the return of the Great Dumble-dini (he said that always got him going) and we'd go back to my quarters and have at it with the chains and honey mustard. However, one night, while he was braiding my pubic hair, he asked if I wanted to spend the rest of my life as a prostitute and I wasn't sure. He informed me that a position at opened up at Hogwarts for a Transfiguration professor and he thought I would be wonderful. I don't like to brag, but I was the best when it came to that sort of thing. I remember one wizard I used to service always wanted me to transfigure his penis into anything from a flashlight to a Barbie Doll. I was quite good, and Albus saw that. It was he who gave me a chance at having a life outside of the brothel. It was he who gave me a reason to live. And it was he who first licked honey mustard from my ass crack. I shall always remember and love you dearly, Albus. _

Harry's heart was warmed by that touching anecdote.

He searched the paper for any more segments on his beloved late Headmaster.

**Dumbledore—The truth at last?**

_Dumbledore is known as one the greatest wizards there could ever be. He was kind, gentle, and trusting to a fault. Or was he? I, Rita Skeeter, will soon bring you the shocking truth about Albus Dumbledore, in my upcoming book, __The Shocking Truth about Albus Dumbledore!__ Most of my readers are under the false impression that Dumbledore was a kindly old man. This is not true. He was not kind and he was not a man. In fact, I discovered in my research that the sweet old wizard we all THOUGHT we knew was in fact a disgruntled lemur that had escaped from the London Zoo. Not only did this lemur escape his confines at a zoo and parade around as the headmaster of a school for over a hundred years, he is also wanted in London for charges of theft and rape. Your children were taught by a crazed lemur rapist! How could such a thing be allowed to happen? Find out in my book that will be appearing on bookshelves soon!_

Harry threw down the paper in a fit of rage. How dare such things even be thought about Albus Dumbledore! He most certainly was not a rapist lemur!

Books and various girls' clothing were thrown across the room in a manifestation of Harry's anger.

As his initial reaction subsided, Harry got to thinking. He had never really thought about Dumbledore's past life. He had always just assumed he was a human. He had never _asked_ Dumbledore if he was a lemur, so how could he be sure? Harry silently cursed himself for knowing Dumbledore all those years and never once thinking to ask if he was in fact a lemur.

Harry went over to his dresser and picked up the piece of mirror. That same mysterious eye peered back at him. This was so much to process. Thoughts whirled through his head.

_Was Dumbledore a lemur?_

_Is McGonagall's pubic hair THAT long?_

_Would I look pretty with long blonde hair?_

These were questions that Harry just couldn't deal with right now and he once again set the mirror on his dresser.


	3. The Dursleys Departing

A/N- Okay so I would really love some feedback. Should I go on? Should I quite? I want to do the whole book, chapter by chapter, but I can't do it without reviews!! Also this stuff ain't mine so let's leave the lawyers out of it.

The sound of the front door slamming echoed up the stairs and a voice yelled, "Oi! You!"

The thunderous footsteps that followed made it clear who was coming up the stairs. Harry scrambled to change but was too late.

"Sorcerina?" Dudley asked surprised, "What are you doing here? I thought you said you had to go to a magic convention on Mars?"

This was not the first time that Harry and been caught in his Sorcerina get-up by Dudley. Harry was just lucky enough that Dudley was stupid enough to be convinced that Sorcerina was a completely different person. The one problem was that Dudley had taken a liking to Sorcerina.

Harry immediately went into his falsetto.

"Oh, hi Dudley! The magic convention ended early so I came back to visit Harry. How are you?"

Dudley scowled at the mention of the 'other man's' name.

"Fine. Why do you always come to visit Harry? You should come out some time with me."

Harry was becoming flustered. One minute he was enjoying his own illicit game of dress-up and now he was trying to get out of a date with his cousin.

"Oh….um Dudley you know I'd love that. But ummm….."

Harry's mind raced, searching for a way get Dudley to leave.

"DUDLEY! GET THAT STUPID HARRY DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Harry sighed, and for the first time was thankful for the loud bellow of Uncle Vernon.

"I'll go get Harry for you!" he said, motioning to close the door, but was thwarted by Dudley's arm.

"When will I see you again?" Dudley asked, his voice laced with concern and unspoken love.

"Um….soon enough that you shouldn't worry, but not so soon that you should wait for me, okay?"

Dudley looked deflated.

"Well…..how about a kiss goodbye then?"

Harry had to work very hard to hide his revulsion, but decided that a quick little kiss on the cheek would be the best method of Dudley disposal.

Harry puckered his lips and slowly leaned in as though he was about to kiss a puss-covered tumor.

The kiss was lightening fast and as soon as Dudley brought his hand to his face to relish the blessed kiss, Harry slammed the door and changed out of his Sorcerina ensemble.

"Okay I'm here" Harry said breathlessly.

"Is Sorcerina still here?"

"Oh….uh, no, she had to leave."

Dudley looked thoughtful for a moment and then opened his mouth to speak.

"Okay well, you need to go downstairs so mum and dad aren't by themselves with your freak friends. I'll be right back."

With that, Dudley ran to his room like a man on a mission.

Harry had almost forgotten that Hestia Jones and Dedalus Diggle would be arriving soon to transport his family to a safe location.

Or at least that's what Harry had told the Dursleys. Little did they know that the 'safe location' was a brothel in China where they had been sold into the sex slave industry.

Harry had earned a nice sum of money off of them, especially Vernon. Apparently 'Hot and Heavy' was the latest craze.

"So this undisclosed location you're sending us to…..where is it exactly?" Vernon asked with a sneer.

"Oh um, well I can't tell you because Voldemort might find out," Harry lied.

This placated Vernon but only for a moment.

"Well then, can we at least know what kind of place this is, as I've been asked to wear this when I arrive?"

Vernon held up ass-less chaps and a lime-green halter top.

"Oh….well those are charmed….um to, uh protect you from any evil magic" Harry explained.

"Then why aren't you wearing one?"

This night was certainly testing Harry's ability to think on his toes.

"Because there are a very limited supply and I'm not worthy of wearing one. It's most important that we protect you."

Vernon Dursley had never liked magic but this answer pleased him greatly.

"Well well, at least that wizarding world is thinking straight in terms of your value" Vernon state smugly as he changed into his 'charmed' outfit.

Harry rolled his eyes and fixed them on the window, desperately hoping the two aurors would show up soon.

While he waited, he thought of the times to come. It would be difficult. Dumbledore was dead and it was up to him to bring down Voldemort. This very night the dark lord would try to take his life and the thought was terrifying. This is the last night this house would be of any protection to him and he had no idea what the plan of escape was.

Harry was ripped from deep thought when a car came crashing through their living room. It was Hestia and Dedalus. Apparently, the driving lessons had not gone well, as not only had they driven into a house, there was also an old woman mangled in the grill of the car.

"Oh dear!" Hestia cried as she examined the damage.

"We'll want to be getting rid of this" Dedalus stated in reference to the dead body. He transfigured it into a half-eaten pizza slice and threw it out of the gaping hole in the house.

"Well, that's that" he said clapping his hands together, "Now! We need to get you muggles off to the _safe location_." Dedalus gave Harry a knowing wink and fought back a chuckle.

Dedalus was not only in on Harry's plot for the Dursleys, he planned on frequenting the brothel they would be working for. Nothing got his blood boiling more than a fat muggle.

Uncle Vernon grew uncomfortable under the lecherous gaze of Dedalus Diggle.

"Look what you just did to my house!" Vernon yelled.

Petunia came in from the kitchen, wearing her 'charmed' clothing; a sheep costume.

"Oh good heavens! My house!" she cried in horror as she walked into the embrace of her husband.

"Oh you can just put something in the room to distract from the hole. Oh! How about a burning piano?" Hestia suggested.

"This is the last straw, I don't care how dangerous this Voldemort fellow is, I'm not going!" Vernon yelled. Petunia nodded in agreement.

Harry had worked too hard on this plan to get rid of them to have it backfire now.

"No! I don't think you understand what Voldemort will do to you! He'll torture you just like he did my mum and dad! He'll also probably make you listen to his Lindsey Lohan CD!"

Petunia vomited at the mere thought of such awful treatment and Vernon grew white with fear.

"Alright, alright. We'll go."

Dedalus looked very pleased.

"DUDLEY!" Vernon yelled, "GET DOWN HERE, WE'RE LEAVING!"

He was answered by hurried footsteps and soon after, Dudley appeared at the top of the staircase with his arms full of boxes and bags.

Dudley raced down and turned to Harry.

"Here, these are poems that I've written for Sorcerina. Will you get them to her?"

Harry was shocked at the amount of paper that filled the boxes and bags. He wasn't even entirely sure that Dudley was literate, let alone capable of writing so many poems.

He picked on up and read;

_Oh my Sorerina_

_You're a girl_

_That I think is kinda hot_

_Do me_

_Please my enchanted lady_

"Um…sure, yeah I'll get these to her."

Dudley was so excited that he swept Harry up into his arms and gave him a huge hug.

"Oh, that's so sweet!" Aunt Petunia cried out, "Dudley you're such a kind boy!"

Hestia and Dedalus loaded everyone into the car and started the engine. As they backed out of the house, Dudley looked at Harry and thought back to the embrace they had just shared. It seemed familiar….it almost made him think of.……Sorcerina.

'Nah, it couldn't be" he thought.

Please review! Good? Bad? It makes your heart sing? It makes you want to vomit? Let me know!


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